I know that, deep down, I have always wanted to act. I was excited for every class play in elementary school, worked to be cast in every one we did in middle school and fought for roles throughout high school. It’s just always been a driving force in my life.

Admittedly, high school kind of killed it for me, and for a few years after, I had no confidence in myself as an actor. Try as I might to get into the plays, my high school drama teacher continually cast her same set of favourites. I remember actually turning down a bit role one year because I was so sick of her casting the same assortment of misfits in the one-liner positions.

I finally got a break when we did Measure for Measure. My chance was unintentional as I was actually cast as a backup for one of the main roles. However, for one reason or another, a few people got shifted and I was bumped into the permanent spot. Even though I’m not a fan of Shakespeare, I was pleased to have finally gotten a chance. Also, unlike many of the favourites I was cast alongside, I never forgot a line or missed a cue. It may just have been a high school play, but acting meant so much to me and I felt compelled to get it right.

I got a few more roles after that, but, as mentioned, my overall experience in high school killed the joy of acting for me for quite a few years after. As much as I wanted to take theatre classes in college, I never had the confidence to do so. I eventually took up modeling as a form of acting, but it was never quite enough. I also picked up the occasional scare actor position at haunted attractions, but it’s not quite the same either.

More recently, I came into contact with a group of people that is largely comprised of actors. Through them, I got another shot at acting, and this time, in front of a camera. I can’t explain just how amazing this return to acting has been for me.

This past Saturday, I was actually filming for a web series. I’d felt like hell all day, but the minute I got in front of the camera and started running my lines, it was like something clicked on in my head. My headache cleared, my aches seemed to ease up, and for those hours of filming, I was another person. We ended up filming until three in the morning, and as soon as I was wrapped, everything flooded back and I was dead on my feet.

Saturday night made me remember why I’d ever wanted to act in the first place. Sure, I’d done some odds and ends before that, and had even filmed in a few small projects, but this was different. For the first time in a long while, I really felt like and actor. Whether or not my actual performance will look as good as it felt is yet to be seen. I hope that it will.

On this wonderful Friday the 13th, I thought I would post a short blog about a fascinating word and condition: phantosmia. Eerie sounding, isn’t it?

In fact, it’s the technical name for the phantom smells I experience now and again. (See my previous article about it here.)

A few days ago, the burning smell/taste sensation returned, heralding what feels like a minor sinus infection. My only conclusion is that this phantosmia serves as my own personal warning system.

I did some more digging about the condition, and turned up much of the same information as I did the last time I poked around. (Though, this time I discovered the actual word for it.) After everything I’ve read, were I to experience the burning smell and not have sinus issues soon after, I’d be very worried. The main causes listed for phantosmia are brain tumours, seizures, schizophrenia and the like.

It also seems I’ve gotten lucky in the type of smell/taste I get. There are a number of reports of more drastic sensations such as rotten meat, garbage, sulfur, etc. The burning smell is one of the most common ones cited.

There also appear to be some more innocuous types of phantosmia. One reporter told a story of how she would always experience one type of smell or another for years at a time, and that other smells would sometimes trigger the phantosmia and replace the previous smell. She started out smelling damp earth after working with some house plants, then it was burning chili from her husband cooking dinner, followed by lavendar from a trip to France and so forth and so on. There was no telling what the next smell would be, and no way to actively try to alter it.

I also found accounts of extreme cases of phantosmia that led people to consider and/or attempt suicide. Their phantosmia was so drastic, and so relentless that everything they consumed would taste rotten and unpleasant. Lucky for me, mine is distracting, but not unbearable.

If you’re interested, there is a Wikipedia article on phantosmia, but it’s very brief. A general search for the term will yeild a lot of personal accounts and advice about the condition.

Pandora

While many of my posts are more editorial in nature, and tend to feature things personal to me, I generally shy away from posting anything too in-depth with regard to my private life. I know you don’t want/need to know what I had for breakfast, or that I bought a new pair of shoes (that’s what Twitter and Facebook are for). However, I’m feeling a bit selfish today.

Last night, after spending a wonderful day at Disneyland with my family, I came home to find one of my rats, Pandora, had passed away. I knew it was coming and was just a matter of time, but it didn’t make it any less of a blow.

To avoid going into stomach quailing detail, let me simply say that the position and state we found her in was unpleasant. Adding to the feeling of heart break was the fact that the other rat that shared a cage with Pandora was still snuggled against her deceased rat sister when we came home.

The past couple of weeks have been especially trying. It started when I noticed that Pandora was moving awkwardly, limping almost. After further investigation, we saw that the cause of the limp was that she had a tumour on her leg. After that, things seemed to accelerate rapidly. The tumour grew larger, eventually opened up and got mildly infected. Despite this, Pandora remained in good spirits with a healthy appetite.

Maybe a week or so after the tumour cropped up, her sister rat, Bella, started having problems as well. With Bella, I’m fairly positive she has/had one of two things: a pituitary tumour or a stroke. She’s only really able to use one side of her body, and her balance is completely off. If you don’t hold her just right, she will frantically roll over and over.

While extremely sad, our two girls had been supporting each other through their illnesses. They were never completely alone, and always had their sister to snuggle with. Now Bella only has my husband and me.

I’m truly at a loss. It is always mind boggling to see how quickly things can turn when it comes to small pets. There’s usually very little warning, if
any, and then they’re gone. No matter how many we lose, it never gets any easier.

To my little Pandora: thank you for everything. For such a small creature, you were still able to bring us an endless amount of joy. The house is a little less bright without you. We’re going to miss you more than you know.