Dear Moviegoers,

Could you kindly explain exactly what in the hell is wrong with most of you? Do you feel that the movie theatre is somehow an extension of your own private living room? Do you feel that the $11 or $12 you paid for admission grants you special privileges?

I, for one, did not pay my money at the door to come watch the movie with your running feature commentary. Is it really that difficult to quiet yourself for the couple hours of film running time? Perhaps you need some sort of medication to help control what appears to be a mild case of tourretes that is triggered by moving pictures on a screen.

While I appreciate that you want to make sure that we all heard what the characters said, I can assure you my hearing is fine and that I understood the dialogue the first time. It really isn’t necessary that you parrot it back at the screen. I also do not need clarification on what just happened as I was there and watching the film with you and have a comprehension level that ranks somewhere above that of a three year old.

To the parents who have decided to attend the theatre, I applaud your devotion to bringing young minds to witness the art form that is the feature film. However, I’m not sure that your five year old truly needs to have the nightmares and possible years of therapy that come from watching a gore-filled horror movie which was clearly created with more mature viewers in mind. I also don’t feel that your child’s interactive screaming does much for my immersion in the film.

I know how busy our lives can be, and how dependent we have become on technology to give us important updates and keep our communications running strong. Far be it from me to deny you what must certainly have been a very important phone call or Twitter update, but I would be ever so grateful if you could take it outside. Ringtones very rarely fit with the theatrical score of the film, and the dramatic lighting of your face by the screen of your phone would be better suited for telling a campfire tale.

Please understand how grateful I am that you wish to ensure that I stay awake through the entire movie, but is it truly necessary to kick the back of my seat to make sure I’m still conscious? I also don’t believe that I am in any need of posture correction even though you try so hard to push my seat forward with not one, but both of your feet.

In conclusion, I would like to thank each and every one of you for your efforts in making my movie going experience more and more annoying. With any luck I will one day be finally driven to the edge and the blood bath that will follow will earn me the 15 minutes of fame that I so desperately crave. I hope you will be there on that day to witness the glory shortly before I rend your head from your shoulders and drop it in your tub of popcorn.

All My Love,

-Macabri