Last Friday, after hearing many positive reviews of the event, I attended Halloween Horror Nights which takes place at Universal Studios in Hollywood. I was left wondering how so many guests walked away with positive things to say.

To be clear, I am no stranger to the world of haunts. I’ve worked at several myself as a scare actor, and have attended many more. I’ve found that most haunts have their own strengths and weaknesses, but it seems that Universal has very few strengths to trumpet. I found this pretty shocking considering that Universal is not only a real live working film studio, but also because it has a history of horror films to draw on. (Hell, it’s very name is practically synonymous with the horror of the 30′s, 40′s and 50′s.) As a Halloween horror destination, it’s not very scary nor very interesting.

Horror Nights has a little over a handful of mazes. (Seven of them as compared to Knotts Scary Farm’s thirteen.) Because of this, once the night gets rolling, the wait times skyrocket. As you walk around the park, there are boards listing wait times and only a few had anything listed under sixty minutes. There are only a few rides, which also experience higher wait times. Then, lastly, there was one live show.

On the night that I attended, my basic ticket cost $57, and I was only able to experience a little over half of the attraction offerings. For almost double the price, I could have gotten a pass that allowed me to skip to the front of the lines, but since there’s so little content, I imagine you could do everything in a few hours, leaving you with a lot of extra time where you’re either bored or have to start repeating attraction visits. As a comparison, a basic Knott’s ticket on the same night of the week will cost around $47, for more than double the attractions (maybe triple when you could in all of the rides and shows available to haunt guests). From a basic monetary standpoint, Universal simply doesn’t live up to the price.

To get into a more specific review, I will start by saying I believe that with all haunts, terror should start at the door. Upon entering the park, you are thrust into a fog-filled clown nightmare that should have set the tone for the rest of the evening. Unfortunately, nearly all of the scare actors were in full rubber masks (something that occurred in nearly all of the evening’s events). Rubber masks have their time and place, and I know they’re cheaper and easier than makeup, but these are the first scare actors to greet your audience. They are in your customer’s faces. Rubber masks when close up tend to be less shocking that a really good makeup job.

Secondly, the entry area of Universal suffered from a proliferation of chainsaws. Chainsaws are scary. They’re loud and should make the hairs on the back of your neck stand on end. However, when there’s a dozen of them running around and whirring like mad, they lose some of that essence. You start to acclimate to them, and it ruins the terror they should instill.

Aside from the entry area, the park was pretty free of scare actors. I hate to make comparisons again, but you can’t take two steps at Knotts without running into another monster. It keeps the tension up in between attractions. Universal also missed a golden opportunity to place monsters along the attraction lines. There was a perfect captive audience, ripe for scaring, who instead spent most of their wait looking bored and checking Facebook.

Of the few mazes available, the ones I was able to get into were The Wolfman, The Thing: Assimilation, Alice Cooper’s Welcome to My Nightmare and Scream for Your Life. None of them were particularly good.

- The Wolfman: This maze had to utilize a preexisting space, and in places it showed. The walkthrough area they used normally showcases imagery and sets from various Universal horror films. They really should have worked harder at retheming the parts that were out of place, rather than trying to shoehorn Wolfman elements in. The best part about this maze were the actual werewolf costumes as they really resembled the look from the film. They also worked in the feral boy look from the movie. This maze was consistently the shortest wait all night, likely because the 2010 film remake was not terribly successful. I still felt it was one of the more pleasant ones to experience at the haunt.

To go on a quick tangent, why not just amp up the attraction that is already there? From what I’m reading online, there are normally scare actors in there anyway that fit the variously themed rooms. It would likely have been more effective than their attempted overlay.

- Alice Cooper’s Welcome to My Nightmare: This was the first maze I went through and I can’t really say that there was anything about it I liked. It has the same issue as all the others in that it focuses almost solely on what I call “jump out” scares. To me, a jump out scare is one where the actor jumps from their hiding place at you, sometimes while making a banging noise or rattling a noise can. They are cheap scares and are almost always going to get the guest to twitch. However, their twitch is a natural reaction to something coming at them at high speed, not necessarily a real indication of true terror. It’s almost always more impressive when the scare actor can freak a patron out by their very presence, or the idea the guest can’t avoid walking by them and is terrified at the prospect. Also, having a monster ahead of you that catches your focus can be a distraction from the jump out scare actor. This misdirection leads to an even bigger fright as guests are less likely to start intentionally gazing around for hiding places.

The other huge annoyance of this maze (and several others) was the use of heavy hanging plastic and fake bodies along the maze route. It was tiring to consistently have to push everything away to just get through the maze. It wasn’t scary, it was frustrating. There is also nothing like getting hit by a heavy body prop swinging backwards from the guests ahead of you. This element could have been used far more sparingly and been more effective because of it.

- The Thing: Assimilation: While this was the best of the mazes I went through, that really isn’t saying much. It was far better themed than any of the others and had a nice mix of actors in makeup and ones in giant “Thing” costumes. It was obvious they were trying to do something to help bump up interest in the recent release of the film prequel. (Sadly, the maze was better than the abysmal movie.) The maze had a very creepy vibe, it was accurately themed, it had a nice mix of scare techniques, and it also had an average wait time of ninety minutes. I don’t believe that any five minute maze is worth that much wait time.

- Scream for Your Life: This should have easily been the best part of the night, but it wasn’t. Scream for Your Life is a sort of open air maze that takes place on the actual studio backlot and uses real movie sets. But before you even get to that part, you have to hop on the studio tram to get out to the location. Again, here was a wasted opportunity. The spiel on the ride over was cheesy, and there were no frights along the way. Universal, you had a captive audience that paid for scares, so scare them already!

The tram dropped us off near the Whoville set and then wound us around the Bate’s Motel, the Psycho House, some of the War of the Worlds set and a few other small areas. I feel like a broken record, but yet again, there was an over-abundance of rubber masks and chainsaws. I did run into a “Norman” outside of the Psycho house, and that was pretty cool, but short-lived. There were a few less jump out scares, which was a nice break, but it was pretty lackluster regardless.

The only other Halloween specific attraction we were able to experience was Bill and Ted’s Excellent Halloween Adventure, and it was a whole lot less excellent that its name would have you believe, unless they meant it to be in excellently poor taste.

The show is an attempt at making fun of all things pop culture, but it only manages to be pretty boring and tacky. Rife with booty shorts and lame jokes, it was an hour of my life I can never have back. It’s also another shining example of why Knotts has the better haunt as they too have a pop culture extravaganza and it’s actually funny and makes more sense.

The other discomforting thing about this show is that it was either written before Osama Bin Laden was pronounced dead, or someone has a really poor sense of when they’ve crossed a line. I don’t want to get political here, but having Bin Laden as the main villain of the production just seemed wrong. And even if he wasn’t dead, it seems far from topical. (When was the last time you honestly heard a Bin Laden joke aside from immediately after his death?) Furthermore, when you set him alongside characters spoofing TRON and The Avengers, it gets even creepier, and not in a good way.

All in all, Universal’s haunt is not something I would attend again. I know the economy is bad and that this event must have been expensive, but for the price and quality it’s just not a fair bargain. Besides that, I’ve been to smaller local haunts that have packed a far bigger punch on what is certainly less of a budget. There was so much wasted potential, and that’s what makes me saddest.

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First off, let me just say how sad I am to have neglected the site for so long. Life can be a crazy bitch sometimes.

In any case, I’m back, and I thought I’d give a little bit of feedback on the New 52 issues from DC that I’ve had a chance to read. For those who have somehow missed it: DC decided to pseudo-reboot their comic universe. All of the titles released over the past month have been #1s. While the supposed intention was to help bring new people to reading comics and make it more accessible for those just jumping in, that’s not how all of them ended up.

Overall, I’ve found the reboot to be a mix of the good, the bad and the mediocre.

Birds of Prey: I’ve decided to list this one first as it is my clear favourite of the new comics. It has a good set up, compelling characters, action and excellent art. I’m looking forward to the next issues of what seems to be a wonderful girls kicking ass comic.

Swamp Thing: This one came out of left field for me. Swamp Thing is a character I know very little about, but I found the initial story intriguing. I’ve heard a few people say that they’re a bit confused by what is going on and that they needed more back story, but it’s my hope that all is explained in the subsequent issues.

Batgirl: Another one of my top picks. Overall, I found this to be a strong title, and I have faith in Gail Simone to really take this story in the right direction. My only quibble is that we don’t know how Barbara has regained the ability to use her legs beyond the vague description of it being a miracle. It’s my hope that it’s further explored in upcoming issues.

Batwoman: I would have read this to look at the art alone. It is absolutely stunning! The good news is that the story also seems to be moving along nicely. I think there’s some serious potential here as a unique and compelling series.

The Flash: Another surprise hit for me. I wasn’t planning on reading it until my husband insisted. I’m glad he did. Great set up and I am in love with the art.

Wonder Woman: Another really strong first issue, and it appears to be quite the fan favourite for a reason. There’s definitely a big arc coming our way with this story, and I love seeing our amazon in action!

Supergirl: I enjoyed this story enough that I want to see where it goes. It’s really a fresh start and it’s another comic with strong art backing it.

Grifter: Yet another character I am entirely unfamiliar with, but I’m hoping to change that. I think this could be another surprise win in the New 52 lineup.

Nightwing: This was a fun read. It’s nice to see Dick back in his Nightwing costume (though I prefer the old colours better). Definitely worth reading.

Superboy: I know some people who are really in love with this title, but I thought it was just alright. The first issue is really all about setting the stage for what’s to come next, so I’ll see what issue two brings.

Red Lanterns: Well…it had lanterns in it…and they were red. So, at least they have that going for them. I really wanted to like this book, but I just found myself yawning.

OMAC: Talk about old school! This comic feels like a complete throwback to comics past. Definitely some potential.

Demon Knights: I kept hearing how wonderful this book was, so I gave it a chance. It wasn’t really bad per se, but I keep forgetting I read it. The pacing seemed weird and it simply didn’t grab me.

Okay, now for the ugly. I won’t rehash the things that have been said, better than I could say them, about these titles, but I’ll give you a taste of my reactions.

Catwoman: I so wanted to like this book, but I just couldn’t. Yes, there are some good things about it, but I felt like they were drowned out by splashy images of Selina in her bra and doing the nasty with Batman. I don’t care that she’s doing it with Bruce, but the way in which it was presented was a real turn-off for me. I expected this to be one of the titles female fans could really feel was theirs, and I hope they can turn the book around in following issues, but I’ll be hard-pressed to grab the next issue right away.

Suicide Squad: I refused to purchase this title from the outset, and only read it because someone else offered to loan me their copy and curiousity won out. I felt like there were two big fails. One, in the redesign of Harley Quinn (costume and personality), and the second with the redesign of Amanda Waller. But, you say, appearances aren’t everything. Okay, let’s go with that for a second. I’ll imagine the Harley and Amanda problems are gone. Nope, still wasn’t a compelling book. I know some people really loved this title, but it’s just not for me.

Red Hood and the Outlaws: I could go on and on about this one title, but I won’t. It was quite obviously not a book for women, and for the men, it was something to read with one hand. I’ve heard all of the arguments on both sides, but I’m not changing my stance on this: what was done to the character of Starfire is just plain wrong and insulting. I also highly recommend reading this article about it. The writer could have been channeling precisely what I felt when reading it.

There you have it. My new review of the New 52, goo goo a-joob.

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Last night, after hearing many a good thing about it, I went to see “Bridesmaids”. It didn’t take me long to realize that I’d made a mistake. Before digging in too far, let me say that there have been a number of popular movies I couldn’t get into. “American Pie”, “Knocked Up”, “The Hangover”, etc. That’s just not the sort of humour that appeals to me.

“Bridesmaids” felt to me like any of the other films that rely almost exclusively on crass and puerile jokes to tickle the audience. It might have been funnier had I not gotten over the giggles that dick and fart jokes used to instill in me when I was a kid. (Granted, there is a good one now and again, but this wasn’t it.) It felt like yet another comedy movie that was trying to push the limits, but felt that this time it should be even funnier because it’s women engaging in the behaviour. Not to give anything away, but there was an entire sequence that involved a group of women throwing up and crapping themselves. I wish I was making that up.

The story itself is rather vanilla and all of the supporting characters were very one-dimensional caricatures. Even the characters with any sense of depth weren’t that engaging. Normally I adore watching Kristin Wiig, but even she couldn’t save the film for me. (Despite also having co-written it.) Overall the jokes seemed forced and entirely over the top. There was no middle ground. The few meaningful moments in the film were quickly overshadowed by another juvenile joke.

This movie wasn’t female empowering or a representation of “girl power”. It was more like a statement that women can engage in potty jokes too. Then again, I have a feeling I’m going to be in the minority on this one as I was the only woman out of seven I saw it with that thought it was a terrible film. In this instance, I don’t mind being the odd-woman out. “Bridesmaids” was definitely not for me.

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YES. THERE ARE SPOILERS, BUT LET’S BE HONEST, THERE ISN’T MUCH TO SPOIL.

There have been many an evening where I have willingly gone to a movie I knew would be terrible, solely for the fact that there was a werewolf in it. “Red Riding Hood” was one of those. However, here’s the difference between “Red Riding Hood” and some of the other films: the other ones were at least laugh worthy.

The plot, such as it was, came down to a small village being terrorized monthly by a werewolf. Head strong girl is betrothed to the dude she doesn’t like because she’s in love with the village bad boy. Wolf attacks start getting worse and a werewolf hunting expert is called in to handle the problem. Blah, blah, blah. Teen angst. Predictability.

There was nothing I took away from “Red Riding Hood” except that it was an obvious, opportunistic jab at cashing in on the “Twilight” crowd. It’s sloppy, the acting is bad, the script is bad, the effects are “meh” and the set design earned a “WTF”. (Seriously, there were giant spikes/thorns growing out of the trees in the forest.)

I’m not really sure what era we were supposed to be in. Edward the male lead had either prematurely invented hair gel, or he had worked up such a level of funk in his hair as to mimic the effect. Whatever it was, it must have impressed Valerie (she’s the “Red” of this story), because his plank-of-wood personality certainly wasn’t the cause.

The part I was most excited for was the inclusion of Gary Oldman, but he was wasted on this film. From the level of his performance, he knew it too. His character suffered from a sever case of cliche-itis.

The real hook of this movie is that you’re not supposed to know who the werewolf is. The issue is that to try and throw you off the trail, the movie slaps you in the face repeatedly with red herrings. Is it the douchey love interest? The other douchey love interest? Grandma? The mentally retarded kid? (I’m not making this up.) It quickly because obvious that it was none of these, and when the werewolf started communicating telepathically to Valerie (still not making this up), all I could think is that it must be someone related to her. Damned if I wasn’t right as it turned out to be good ol’ dad. The ONE main character they drew the least attention to.

So, what about the actual wolf? Nothing special. Essentially a lankier version of the wolves in the Twilight series. Big. Freaking. Shock. Of course, lest we forget, the director also directed the first installment of the Twilight Saga.

My advice is to pass on “Red Riding Hood” at all costs, unless you’re really wasted…no, wait…still pass on it.

This movies earns 1 out of 5 Red Herrings.

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“Black Swan” is a movie I almost didn’t want to write a review for. I wasn’t really sure how to go about it. It’s not the sort of movie that you can really say you enjoyed. It’s something you have to say you experienced. It’s about how it made you feel. The feeling I experienced? Panic.

“Black Swan” is an anxiety roller coaster. There are some drops, some lifts and even a couple of loops. Now, let’s also say that you’re also riding that roller coaster in the dark and can’t see the track in front of you. It is intense. You’re never quite sure of what’s going on, and you’re not even positive that you want to know.

Natalie Portman turned in an amazing performance, as did the rest of the cast. I think that’s part of what made the whole thing so frightening. As fantastic as it got at points, it was still so believable. It’s not often that I am so unsettled by a movie.

What few effects are in the movie were seamlessly done. There was nothing to distract from the believability of what I was seeing. In some places, it was like having a nightmare while I was awake.

Since I work closely with the film industry, I generally try not to do a lot of research about films prior to seeing them. There are so many movies I’ve been familiar with since the script stage because of my job, so it’s nice to be surprised now and again. I really had no idea what I was getting myself into, and apparently, neither did the other audience members. The discomfort in the theatre was nearly palpable, and at the end of the film I even heard someone apologizing for bringing their friend to see it.

“Black Swan” isn’t the kind of movie you can readily recommend. I’d be worried about the repercussions if I did. There’s really no way to give a fair warning to someone about what they’re about to see. I can see why this made the Oscar list, but I don’t know that I’d be able to sit through it again.

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